My Miss Kitty

To begin, I am very allergic to cats.  I can sneeze all night long if I have been around one, and my eyes get red and puffy with my nose running everywhere.  So, in summary, I can never own a cat even though I would really like to have one.

Part of the deal was that I would watch the family cat for about two weeks before my adventures to Italy.  This is no ordinary cat though.  This cat has been around for 12 years and during those 12 years I am sure she noticed that I enjoyed the family dog a lot more.  It may have been the fact that I would stuff her head into socks and watch her run around the room.  It may have also been because I would trap her in her boo box and watch her try to fight her way out.  However, it could be because I once tried to place her in the washing machine while laughing at her attempt to keep at least 2 paws stretched out over the large opening to prevent this from actually happening.  Or maybe it was the pillows I would throw at her.  Anyway, we had a mutual understanding of "You stay on your side and I will stay on mine."

Now the roles have changed.  She has become sick and needs constant care, well at least a shot of insulin twice a day for the rest of her life, and it is up to me now to take care of her.  The first few days were difficult.  She hid from me under the bed and I had Adam push her out with a broom.  My logic was that if she got mad at him then she would more likely trust me, and since Adam had and really has no desire of connecting with this creature then it worked.

After a while I just got into the habit of closing the bedroom door so she couldn't even get the chance to  directly center herselfunder the bed.

Then one day she actually came up to me and brushed up against my leg.  Progress!  So I had to go against my instincts and bend over to pat her.  Yes I paid for it later with a sneezing fit and runny nose, but it was worth it.  Our relationship was growing and she now came to me for comfort and of course food.

Things were going just fine until I noticed something was very different in her.  She sniffed the floor as my dog would do and seemed to be on the trail of something.  Even if I called to her she did not look up.  I found her trying to climb into the corner next to the piano and no amount of calling could change her course.  Something was wrong.  I picked her up and her nails dug into me.  I placed her by her food again watching to see what she would do.

Adam and I watched her with her head down walk behind the door and try to get through the small opening by the hinges.  At this point my mind flashed back to what my parents had told me about her when her medication was wrong.  She was doing the same things.  

"Ok its 6:18pm.  I hope I can make it to the pet hospital before they all leave."  I grabbed my keys and ran to the car.  Adam called after me, "give them a call."  So I ran back in, my heart beating in my ears and my nerves on edge.   I dialed the number in the phonebook.  "This number has been disconnected."  Why?!  I dialed again.  Same thing.  I then ran to the car and pulled out of the driveway just missing another car on the road.  Thank heavens they saw me.  

I raced to the pet hospital.  The lights were off and doors were locked and the only noise came from the pets buried somewhere in the center of the building.  I could not hold my self together anymore and began to let myself sob.  I felt I had no control, I did not know what to do.  

Let me try my parents.  I called my dad first.  But only his voice mail answered me, and so I tried my mom.  The same.  I raced home with tears streaming down my face.  What do I do?

I came inside where Adam was waiting for me.  I walked to him and cried uncontrollably to him.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to do.  What do I do?  I watched Penny as I was saying this which only made me cry harder.  I was watching her deteriorate before me.  I tried calling my dad again and when his voice mail came again I made a plea for help to it as if he would be able to hear me if I just tried hard enough.  

Adam then showed me another number in the phone book for me to try.  This time it worked and a voice on the other end told me to leave a message for the doctor on-call.  I left a somewhat audible message and waited.  Why hasn't he called back?  Adam help me find another animal hospital that is open.  I found one.  $85 just come in.  Everything else was added on.  

I just sat on the chair held in place for what seemed like a half hour.   I then remembered that my mom said she had placed a bit of honey on her nose the last time she did this, so I opened the cupboards searching for the honey I knew would be there.  After spreading some on her nose I continued to watch.  Then the phone rang.  Oh thank heavens it was the doctor getting back to me.  I told him everything I could then agreed to meet him at the clinic to do some tests.  I grabbed the cat and Adam and we went straight there.  I watched Penny try to fit herself through the small bars of her crate.  Don't hurt yourself Penny and I would push her nose back.

He arrived and I remember how calm I felt when he was explaining to me what was happening.  I would have given him a huge hug once we left but I was covered in cat hair which I paid for later.  On the way home I sneezed and sneezed and sneezed but I didn't mind, Penny would be ok.

Home at Last

It may have been because it was late at night and I was already on the verge of losing mental barriers, but when my eyes took in the image of the house, when my mind was quickened by the smells, when my bare feet felt the soft cool wood floor, and when my hands had touched the so familiar walls, I broke.  My body leaned over the back of a gentle couch and my heart swelled as tears rolled down my cheeks.  I was home.

The feeling was so familiar and yet it was as if I hadn't felt it in a long time.  I felt warm, peace and love in this house.  I saw my family in what was left behind.  Now they are far away across the world in a land of more green rolling hills and singing bells that sound out the hour. "The soccer ball out front of course was Emily."  Maybe she played with it during the last few moments of being at home.  So familiar.  

Even now my eyes burn from on coming tears.  "I miss this. I miss this."  My heart aches with the realization I can't see them like when I lived here.  I can't walk into the bonus room and try to get Emily up from her sleep.  I can't lie on the bed and fall asleep while my dad tries to solve a puzzle on the computer.  I can't go into Dan's room at night and chat till the morning hours, and I can't descend to the basement to find my mom working on her artwork while listening to her songs.  I can't watch Will putting his puzzles together.  "My home, I missed you.  I have traveled far to be held again within your walls and feel your warmth.  I know, I wish I didn't have to leave, but I will return."

My heart is quieting and I am relaxing in the chair as I finish my thoughts.  I am going to enjoy today.

Elegant Words

Throughout my life I have had my grandmother recite her poems to me. Her work is beautiful and captures in words the feelings of a soul. This poem of hers named the Weaver is one of my favorites.

The Weaver

There will come a day, a distant one I pray
when loom and thread and hours of toil will all be put away
and I shall stand beside my work so long ago begun
and see a pattern clearly shaped from deeds and actions done.

Oh, may the flaws be small and few, not seen by eyes but mine,
and may the threads be bright with love, strong and true and fine.
That on the day my work shall wait for God alone to see,
He'll say, "Well done my daughter. Come now, and weave for me."

A Forced Change

He asked if I would go, but we both already knew that I would. As it should be, isn't that a part of marriage going through things like this together? 'Of course I will go, you didn't need to ask'

Thoughts float thickly through the car as we drive farther and farther. Thoughts and feelings that can't be expressed to the persons with you, but you think and feel things that you know somehow they are also.

Taking each other's hand we walk in to the modified, renovated shopping market now full of offices and large rooms.

15 or maybe it could have been 20 others, sitting, talking, waiting. But, for what? What were we waiting to hear? I sat down and looked and listened. Some laughed about how others would fix the problems that has hit a large portion of the nation. Laughing, but somehow not really, it was as if it was a forced laugh to stop them from breaking down right there. They were trying to paint over their pain and anxiety with quick strokes of laughter.

They talked about where they had worked and who they had worked with. Separated now, it was over. Some knew it and some were still trying to grasp that reality. 'Why had we been the ones to make the list?' Strange, there was an armed man armed. Why?

At first, there was someone who knew the person's name and would come to call them back. Then, it became someone with a clipboard calling out trying to guess who you were. We were the last. I had watched each one leave their seat and follow another into a distant large room, and now it was our turn. The woman called out 'Adam' and he stood up. I followed him and her to another man standing at a sign-in table. He was genuine and shook both our hands. How nice. And then we followed him to the farthest corner of the large room.

We walked through a maze of tall grey cubicle walls and within each cubicle was a table with at least three chairs. They considered that spouses would come, and I did come. I came for you. I am here for you. The numerous tables were plain enough with each one housing a tissue box, a plate of breath mints and perhaps a person with a tag or badge on. Some of these people were busy with backs to us talking to people from the waiting room.

I sat down at the end of the table so Adam could be next to the man. 'Any questions you have for me?' was his first. Where do you begin? Why perhaps? Or would you just give a business answer... 'We no longer needed your position'.... or ....'The company couldn't afford to keep so many on'. But still you haven't answered my question 'Why?'

Adam kept his composure when I am sure I would be having trouble. Even then my eyes felt stingy and blurred for seconds. It wasn't just happening to him, it was happening to us.

The man talked and answered the questions and at certain times tried to make jokes. What could we do, but we smiled anyway.

His last paycheck was given and the man went over what was awarded and what was deducted. Please just hand it to us and let us go, but it's not over yet. He pulls out a large paper stack with the pages full of ink saying something, and he flipped to the end page where there was a signature line. Please Adam sign it and let's go. The severence paper. His signature was written, his link was gone. His time there had ended and it was over.

The man asked again 'Are there any more questions you have?' ... Yes there are. Could you say you were sorry? Could you give us a heart felt good luck? Could someone here wearing a badge tell us that things were going to be ok?

He walked us through another door and shook hands with Adam as he left us at another desk. What now? Can't this just end so that we can go home and push these thoughts away from us? But how could we, we had tried already the day before and yet the knowledge, the realization was always there.

Precious Life

Life is so precious. Time is an unforgivable driver of life, and if not respected, it will take and refuse to give.

A body that has seen the world and experienced joy ages and slows. How short life is, how amazing that so much experience and feelings can be compacted in just a few years.

All that you have taught me I will remember. All that you said I will treasure. All your adventures I will hold dear. I love you and will miss you when your soul is taken from this world. What a wonderful friend you are to me and my memories of you will always remain. I will tell my children of you and what an amazing person you are. If only I could shake the strong confines of time and keep you always here. Doesn't the world know what it is doing to take you away.

I wish I could remove the pains of getting older from your weary body. I wish I could make moving easier for you and let your mind feel again what it is like to be young. Why does time continue. Why must death ever be part of life?

Strength

Everyday, I sit and wonder at what will come. Have I done what I needed to do to secure a small but happy future for myself, and am I strong enough for what may be instore?

What kind of a woman am I to take on the world and its uncertainties and heartaches? Have I blossomed enough to find the strength to continue to persue dreams or am I slowly giving in?

I still feel young in an ever aging world. I keep running to catch up. My soul is strong and my mind is quick, but is that enough?

The Crossword

With arms in my lap and hunched over I sit at the table. My mind reels to figure out an answer. The Empress of Russia?

Well, what about the one that goes through it? Amerindian... Wow, so who really knows all of theses answers just off the top of their head. "Let's whip out the cheat book"

Pages flip from crabby, to organic, and to Salem. Another day at it and almost done but not complete.

Here I am ready for anything to begin. So uh, who is hungry?